i can feel my depression coming back. i know you guys don't care but my god it's getting harder and harder to wake up in the mornings! i feel like no matter what i do, i try so fucking hard to be a good person to people, and i mean, it's not like i'm expecting to be rewarded, but at the very fucking least i'd like people to treat me with the same amount of respect i try to give everyone else.

i feel like no matter how much i try, i'll always manage to hurt someone. ill always manage to upset someone. ill get my boundaries fucking stomped to death. people will leave me. why am i so fucking toxic why cant i make people happy???? why do i get so fucking upset whenever someone tells me i've hurt them? aren't i supposed to be the bigger person and do whatevber i can to fix it??? WHY CANT I FUCKING FIX IT??? WHY DOES IT ALWAYS FUCKING HAPPEN??

i feel like ill never be fucking good enough for anyone. even on twitter, most of the following i got from posting newgrounds shit have already unfollowed me. they've found other artists who post better shit. i try not to let it get to me, but people who i thought i considered friends have unfollowed me. do you know how much that fucking hurts me?? like, do my feelings just not fucking matter to anyone? it feels like anytime i fucking let people know how i feel, everyone just fucking jumps me with "well what about ME????? what about how I fucking feel?? god lana you're such a selfish fucking whore, why haven't you killed yourself already?" and then everyone fucking wonders why i never tell anyone my fucking feelings, everyone wonders why i blow up so much on social media, everyone wonders, nobody ever thinks.

my feelings dont fucking matter. everyone in my life has made that fucking clear. ill just shut the fuck up about it! and then when i go missing you'll all cry for me and could've would've should've blah blah fucking blah. ill just be another fucking statistic. but that's okay. the world would be better without me anyways. all i do is fucking hurt people. that's all i do. i was put on this earth to serve others. to help people, to be their comforter, their shoulder to cry on whenever they're sad, to be their guardian angel. i can't even FUCKING DO THAT right. can you believe it? the ONE THING i was meant to do, i can't even do right. i exist only to solve other peoples fucvking problems and yet i fucking absolutely fail at that. i'm only just a servant, i was supposed to be the answer to all their fucking problems!!! i was supposed to save them from depression!!!

i'm just fucking rambling a t this point. my head fucking hurts from being a bitch and crying so much. i don't even know why im crying. im such a fucking toxic person, i dont even know how i have friends. i don't know how i have a partner that puts up with so much of my shit. i was born with pure fucking bile in my veins, no matter how much i try to reverse it, or make myself pure, it'll always remain. ill always have that fucking bile within me.